It’s Tuesday morning posting time, and I need a topic. I guess Bernie Sanders is as good as it gets right now.

In these late days of empire, Lady Liberty’s political process has become just as dysfunctional and corrupt as all of her other assorted accoutrements and jangling bangles. Take for instance the four-year political cycle for president—as soon as the new occupant’s wife changes the drapes at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, it’s time to start thinking about the next election, shaking down voters for cash.

Of course, Mr. Obama can’t have a third term (thanks to Mr. Roosevelt). If he could, he’d be out doing what he does best, giving speeches and campaigning. Instead, we’re forced to endure the contrast of just plain tired,the old, and the hilarious—between Hillary, Bernie, and the ever-expanding Republican field—a full 17 months out from our next American coronation.

“Hello, Portland, Maine!!” (Troy Bennet photo/Bangor Daily News)

I know Bernie Sanders was in Portland last night for another one of his rallies. Thanks to Twitter and Facebook, and all the other sunshine-y social media sites, Bernie arrived in Hipsterville to an adoring throng of 7,500 (oh, I guess it was 9,000).

I’m not too surprised. For all of Portland’s perceived hipness, the city’s just a smaller version of every other place that’s been afflicted by “great places to live” syndrome. That means that Portland if full of people chasing the latest flavor of the month—whether that’s a culinary concoction—or a 74-year-old socialist running for president.

Here’s what I know. Bernie won’t be president. Here are just a few reasons.

1. It’s too early. Again, we’re 17 months out. What’s Sanders been doing other than being a lone wolf in DC, from Vermont, of all places? Vermont’s pretty white, btw. If he manages to keep this up ‘til the Iowa Caucus and the media starts rooting through his garbage, then we’ll find out just how “revolutionary” ole’ Bernie is. Until then, this is all just political theater.
2. He’s too old. America isn’t going to elect a 74-year-old for president, especially someone who at one time ran as a Socialist.
3. The Democratic apparatus doesn’t want Bernie for president.
4. Winning elections for president isn’t the same as a conducting a speaking tour. Shoot, if Elizabeth Warren decided to hit the circuit, we’d find Bernie’s attendance figures start to plummet. It’s easy being the anti-Hillary candidate.
5. If for some strange turn of events, Sanders manages to get the nomination, he’d end up being yet another political footnoot, a McGovern-type electoral disaster. What? You don’t think the Republican dirty tricks machine wouldn’t exploit the hell out of Sanders’ socialism? Are you that stupid?

We are now living in an age where candidates for president are really just actors, reading off a script. Yes, “alternative” scripts sell, and of course, people are easily duped when it comes to politics. Remember Obama’s meteoric rise up the polls, and his ascendancy? That seems like so 2008, doesn’t it? Him and all those outdated talking points centered on “hope and change.”

Drinkin’ the Bernie 2016 Kool-Aid–oh, yeaahh!!

My question for all the drinkers of the Bernie Kool-Aid at the moment is this—what’s Bernie really done while collecting his congressional paycheck? Where is his great revolutionary arc prior to his time in DC? What kind of legacy does his have in Vermont prior to becoming a professional politician? And just how paradigm-altering is this avowed “independent” since he decided to embrace Leviathan and run as a Democrat?

Actually, Sanders isn’t really very Che at all. This guy called him a “technofascist disguised as a liberal,” back in 2011. But, maybe’s he’s changed his stripes.

I know, I’m not supposed to ask those questions right now. I mean, Hillary’s doing her darned well best at answering as few as possible at the moment, anyways. And given that Clinton’s now cordoning off reporters and they gotta’ file some stories to eat, Bernie’s as good as it gets right now, since it’s all really about the spectacle and feeling good for now.

My experience tells me, “don’t believe the hype.” However, if you want to get all charged up and emotional, have at it. A Bernie 2016 sign will make for a nice artifact in your garage someday, alongside that yellowed McCarthy sign from 1968, and your Perot stickers.