It’s hard to celebrate and feel joy when you’ve lost someone. Because of that, Christmas is an especially hard season for us.

Compounding the sadness of grief and loss for those mourning a loved one’s death during this time of the year is that there is a veneer of cheer and happiness all around. I’m not sure if this a cultural manifestation unique to American holidays seasons like this one, or something else. I’ll let you do the intellectual heft on that. All I know personally is that it’s sometimes too much. This Christmas is a bit better than last year, which was nearly unbearable. Friends and family have made overtures and we’ve been able to be part of this year’s holiday in a way that would have been impossible in 2017.

Back in the 1990s, when I was doing my radio shows on WBOR, 91.1 FM, Brunswick, Maine (a station ID, btw, for the FCC), I loved putting together playlists. Figuring out how to “stack” music and create a mood for three hours (or during those holiday break “marathons” that I’d sign-up for, sometimes lasting six hours or longer) was something I worked hard at. I also loved making mix tapes back then, also. It’s not that long ago, but to explain mix tapes and queuing records to youngsters fixated on the latest passive video game experience is an exercise in futility. I know, I’ve tried.

Fortunately for people like me, who still love radio where disc jockeys get to program their own music, there are still places to find throwbacks to an all-but-disappeared era of over-the-air music. I’ve been grooving on Christmas music that isn’t the usual over-played crap that all the commercial stations have been playing since Thanksgiving. My favorite stop for the past week has been a longtime favorite of mine, WFMU. Whether it’s been rocked-up versions of old holiday standards, or some really weird holiday-themed music (like Culturecide), or big band versions of all the old-time “hits” from the 1930s, 1940s, and 1950s (think Spike Jones and the Maguire Sisters), good ‘ole ‘FMU has supplied variety and a diverse selection.

Parading santas to lighten the mood. (courtesy of Zzzzzzero Hour with Bill Mac on WFMU/Dec. 24, 2018)

Spotify is now one of several tools to do that in the digital age. If you want to know more about playlist curation and the app, this one is worth reading. Arguably, artists have never been paid equally. However, the current web environment ensures that pretty much no one is getting paid in any kind of one-to-one relation to previous periods of recorded music.

There’s a message of sorts in my playlist, in much the way I tried to do the same with my various radio shows I DJ’d over the years. I don’t really care to go into detail about the meaning of each song and how it connects with memories of Mark. Just know that Christmas is a tough time for people who’ve lost a son like Mark, or other loved ones, especially if their death (and birthday) are intertwined with the holiday season.

As Mary and I get ready to head out to spend Christmas Eve with friends, we’re both grateful for the support and grace extended by friends, family, and strangers, too.

I hope my Christmas mix finds some time in your holiday song rotation tonight, tomorrow, or in the future.

Mark with his Christmas stocking (maybe 1988?)